The 100 Funniest Jokes from the Last 100 Years




100 funniest jokes of all time | reader’s digest






















our favorite jokes of all time

humor has certainly evolved ‘oer the yrs, yet many jokes manage to withstand the test of time. to commemorate the 100th anniversary of reader’s digest, our team of humor-loving editors combed the archives to come up with this collection of the 100 best jokes published inna magazine since 1922. in fact, we ‘dn’t stop ourselves, so u’ll actually find + than 100. if a century’s worth of humor isn’t enough 4u, there’s even + to explore in reader’s digest—whether yr tastes lean toward hopelessly corny jokes, easily remembered short jokes, or irresistibly bad jokes. and if you’re looking for a spesh some1 to share yr favorites with, our collection of funny pickup lines mite come in handy.

holy cow!

a pair of cows were talking inna field. one says, “’ve you heard bout the mad cow disease that’s goin round?”

“yeah,” the other cow says. “makes me glad i’m a penguin.”

rd issue: oct 2003

where there’s smoke

“once, my father came home and found me in front offa roaring fire. that made my father very mad, as we didn’t ‘ve a fireplace.” —victor borge

rd issue: jan 1950

identity crisis

“yr mother s'been with us for 20 yrs,” said john. “isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“my mother?” replied helen. “i thought she was yr mother.”

—joseph lozanoff

rd issue: dec 1987

aarrrrgh!

why don’t pirates take a shower b4 they walk the plank?

they just wash up on shore.

rd issue: sep 2019

witha vengeance

in denver, the members offa sun­-school class were asked to set down their favorite biblical truths. one youngster laboriously printed: “do one to others as others do one to you.” —lee olson, the denver post

rd issue: apr 1957

a taxing situation

according to unofficial srcs, a new simplified income-tax form contains 1-ly 4 lines:

1. wha’ was yr income for the yr?

2. wha’ were yr expenses?

3. how much ‘ve you left?

4. send it in.

—the link

rd issue: mar 1945

taking stock

1-odda oddities of wall street s'dat tis the dealer and not the customer who is called broker. —dallas news

rd issue: oct 1929 (the same mnth as the infamous stock mkt crash!)

shrink rap

two hollywood stars ran into each other atta door o'their ψ-chiatrist’s office.

“hello, there,” said one. “ru coming or goin?”

“if i knew that,” said the other, “i ‘dn’t be here.”

—the american weekly

rd issue: nov 1958

just desserts

at a pty, a young wife admonished her husband, “that’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“why ‘d it?” answered her spouse. “i keep telling them it’s 4u.”

—selma glasser, good housekeeping

rd issue: mar 1981

cheers!

a grasshopper walks into a bar. the bartender looks at him and says, “hey, they named a drink after you!”

“really?” replies the grasshopper. “there’s a drink named stan?”

rd issue: mar 1994

this one’s a gem

a hollywood hostess, giving instructions to a new maid just b4 a pty, cautioned: “now remember, marie, when you serve my guests, don’t wear any jewelry.”

“i ‘ven’t anything presh, madam,” answered the maid. “but thx for the warning just the same.”

—peggy mcevoy

rd issue: apr 1941

boyfriend trouble

a teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. they’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

l8r, the girl’s mom says, “dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very neat boy.”

“oh, please, mom!” says the daughter. “if he wasn’t neat, ‘d he be doin’ 500 hrs of community srvc?”

—maria salmon

rd issue: oct 2008

the end is near

every time a lil boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her bible. finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“why do you suppose yr grandmother reads the bible so much?” he asked.

“i’m not sure,” said his friend, “but i think she’s cramming for her finals.”

—carl t. schuneman

rd issue: jan 1958

man overboard

a gawky lad from new england came to new york w'his girl, and took her to nearby playland amusement park. they had heard a lot bout the tunnel of ♥ and were espeshly anxious to try it out. but when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“shucks,” the boy said, “twas dark and damp and uncomfortable. besides, we got soaking wet.”

“how come?” asked a friend. “did the boat leak?”

the kid looked amazed. “there’s a boat?”

—j.d. theus

rd issue: feb 1960

kidding round

na' miami­ to chicago flite was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. he was running up and down the aisle when the flite attendant started serving coffee. he ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

as he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up atta boy and said, ‘”look, why don’t ye go and play outside?”

—eugene carroll

rd issue: sep 1955

now boarding

rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “miss, please help me. i ‘ve t'get to chicago inna worst way!”

the clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “sir, that ‘d be the airline nxt to us.”

—ramona frankum

rd issue: feb 1960

library line

inna public library, a man w'his new library card ?ed the pretty librarian.

“do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card i may take out any book i want?”

“yes,” she answered.

“and may i take out record albums, too?”

“yes, you may.”

“may i take you out?” he quested.

drawing herself up to her full h8, she replied, “the librarians, sir, are for reference 1-ly.”

—justine valenti, coronet

rd issue: feb 1960

hunting camp

two hunters are out inna woods when one o'em collapses. he’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“i think my friend is dead!” he yells. “wha’ can i do?”

the operator says, “calm down. 1st, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

there’s a silence, then a shot. back onna phone, the guy says, “okay, now wha’?”

—gerald doka

rd issue: jun 2009

show and tell

“nothing looks good on me any+,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the deptment store’s mirror.

“nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “that dress says it all.”

“that’s the problem,” the woman replied. “i need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

—don wilder and bill rechin, north america syndicate

rd issue: jan 1990

seafood for thought

a man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. the w8ress ☺d sweetly and said, “once upon a time there was this presh lobster…” —horse & rider

rd issue: feb 1981

rel8d: 101 fish puns thall split yr gills

a higher authority

one dy the telephone inna office of the rector of president roosevelt’s washington church rang, and an eager voice said, “tell me, do you expect the president to be in church this sun?”

“that i cannot promise,” the rector explained patiently. “b'we expect god to be there, and we mythic thall be incentive enough for a reasonably large attendance.”

—john t. watson

rd issue: dec 1940

the devil, you say

did you hear they arrested the devil? yeah, they got him on possession. —gregg siegel

rd issue: feb 2006

did you hear the one bout…

…the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?

…the nurse who was chewed out by the dr cause she was absent without gauze?

…the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?

rd issue: jan 1980

timing is everything

q: how many telemkters does it take to change a lite bulb?

a: 1-ly one, but he has to dweet while ur eating dinner.

—eldon weisheit

rd issue: apr 1997

all bottled up

“we used to play spin the bottle when i was a kid. a girl ‘d spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl ‘d either kiss you or give you a nickel. by the time i was 14, i owned my own house.” —gene perret, classic one-liners

rd issue: jun 1997

drink up!

restaurant patron: “w8er, i’d like a bottle of wine.”

w8er: “wha’ yr, sir?”

patron: “well, i’d like it rite now.”

—earl wilson, field newspaper syndicate

rd issue: oct 1984

overheard

muttered over a martini: “i hate golf. the 1-ly reason i play is to make it easy for my family to think of something t'give me for christmas.” —art petri, san francisco chronicle

rd issue: jan 1970

at yr srvc

mrs. smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the 1st ½-hr i want you to stand atta drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

nora’s face lit up. “thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “i’ve been wanting to do that to some of yr friends for the last 20 yrs.”

—neal o’hara, new york post

rd issue: apr 1941

just saying

a bird inna hand is bad table manners. —the literary digest

rd issue: apr 1926

beat it

two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “bartender, my friends and i ‘d like a cold one,” says 1-odda eggs.

“sorry,” the barman replies. “we don’t serve breakfast.”

—susan maguire

rd issue: nov 2000

rel8d: 80 funniest “wha’ do you call?” jokes

running joke

two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. immediately, 1-odda men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.

“wha’ ru doin’?” cried his companion. “we can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”

“who cares bout the bear?” the 1st hiker replied. “all i ‘ve to worry bout is outrunning you.”

—jim whitehead, the daily herald

rd issue: may 1982

just teasing

i had applied for several scholarships for the upcoming yr and was thrilled to learn that i had won one from my school, the university of nevada, las vegas. sometimes such awards are named after places. the letter the university sent me said that i had won the las vegas strip scholarship, named after the street with all the major hotels.

when i told my mother bout the award she paused, then asked, “just wha’ exactly did you do to win that scholarship?”

—diane lee

rd issue: jan 1990

forgive us our trespasses

a lil boy, reciting the lord’s prayer, ended by asking: “…and deliver us from pplz, amen.”

—katherine sullivan, columbus citizen

rd issue: mar 1957

goin up?

an american was bein’ shown a big soviet sign factory. “we turn out bout 500 signs a week,” proudly said the Яussian, “n'when business demands it, we can step it up to 2,000.”

“amazing!” said the visitor. “btw, wha’ do the signs say?”

“elevators not running,” was the answer.

—walter winchell

rd issue: feb 1940

no kidding

nbc’s moscow correspondent irving r. levine heard a Яussian greet a friend with: “’ve you heard? pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. the 1st prize is 20 yrs.” —leonard lyons

rd issue: aug 1957

here comes the bride

at a hollywood wedding reception, one woman remarked how presh the star looked as a bride, and another said sweetly, “oh, she always does. she’s thrown a bridal bouquet often enough to ‘ve pitched a 9-inning game.” —eddie cantor

rd issue: mar 1941

pop culture

two hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. as it became + heated, one said, “my father can lick yr father.”

“ru kidding?” cried the other. “yr father is my father!”

—jack gilford, beacon journal

rd issue: dec 1953

headlinesmen

on an article bout the green bay packers’ appointment of dan devine as coach, inna springfield, illinois, state journal: “packers decide to go with devine guidance”

na' new york daily news account offa dallas cowboy triumph ‘oer the miami dolphins: “moan over miami”

caption na' photo of new york jets fullback matt snell on crutches after an injury: “snell’s pace”

caption na' new york sun news photo of the university of oklahoma’s quarterback gettin bowled over by auburn’s team in new orleans: “gettin his lumps in sugar bowl”

rd issue: nov 1972

family matters

it seems i ‘ve spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “say thank you. sit up straite. use yr napkin. close yr mouth when you chew. don’t lean backin yr chair.” just when i finally got my husband □d away, the kids came along. —erma bombeck, publishers-hall syndicate

rd issue: nov 1972

rel8d: mom memes mothers will find hilariously relatable

that chiseled look

my husband was building shelves n'our bedroom and, intending to continue his work the nxt dy, left some tulz on my dresser, including a hammer, screwdriver, and chisel.

the folloing morning, while i was in front of the dresser combing my hair, my teenage daughter walked in.

“hi, mom,” she said, taking a look atta dresser. “fixing yr face?”

—virginia conroy

rd issue: nov 1972

onna couch

when my bro began his ψ-chiatric practice, his 1st patient was a pticularly good-looking young woman. my bro motioned for her to lie down onna couch, but'a woman hesitated til he reassured her that twas pt of the therapy procedure. once onna couch, she smoothed her dress round her legs and began to relax a bit.

“now then,” he asked, “how did yr trouble begin?”

“just like this,” she said.

—don singer, true

rd issue: nov 1972

keyed up

na' visit to my dr, i was pleasantly surprised to find that he had installed taped ♫ inna w8in room. as i sat there enjoying a piano recording, i overheard an elderly lady say to her companion, “just like these young drs—a crowded w8in room, and he’s in there playing the piano!” —jun iveson

rd issue: nov 1972

keeping score

at our weekly alumni meetings, the ftball coach shows the film of the most recent game and holds a ?-and-answer period afterward. 1-odda alumni, who had played onna ftball team many yrs ago and had a son on this yr’s squad, posed a ? concerning the defensive line. “i’d like to know,” he said, “why our boys are so slo gettin inna'da opposition’s backfield after the ball is snapped.”

“gosh, i’m not sure, fred,” answered the coach. “but it ‘d be hereditary.”

—e.m. boswell

rd issue: nov 1972

shoe-in

a reprter covering the iowa state legislature proceedings wore lite summer shoes na' dy when it snowed, na folloing dy—a pleasant, dry one—he wore overshoes. a legislator asked him bout it. “it’s the effect of bein’ round government,” he replied. “i am now prepared for yesterdy.” —james flansburg, des moines reg

rd issue: nov 1972

slo poke

one dy a man showed up atta office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. when a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “well, they’re the most comfortable shoes i’ve ever worn but i do ‘ve one unusual problem w'dem. it took me an hr and a ½ to walk out of the store.” —morris bender, the sat evening post

rd issue: sep 1977

watch out belo

“my son had t'give up his career cause of fallen arches.”

“he’s an athlete?”

“no—an architect.”

orben’s comedy fillers

rd issue: sep 1977

did you hear…

…bout the salamander that went to hollywood to make newt movies? —mary l. sauermann

…bout the jets cocktail? two o'em and you forget wha’ yr namath. —charles mcharry

…bout the cow that ate blue grass and mooed indigo? —mary porcellino

…bout the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? it’s pt of an anti-litter campaign. —larry wolters

rd issue: jan 1970

spooked

one dy in early fall a class of 2nd-graders was discussing “wha’ i wanna be when i grow up.” the teacher received the usual replies—a fireman, a nurse. then she asked a youngster deep in thought wha’ he ‘d like to be somedy. he looked up witha frown and replied, “i don’t even know wha’ i wanna be for halloeen yet!” —j. spechalske

rd issue: oct 1979

nothing like brawl

newspaper editor arthur brisbane was telling his best cartoonist, winsor mccay, that he was the 2nd-gr8est cartoonist inna realm. a reprter standing nearby, his curiosity aroused, asked brisbane who was 1st. “i don’t know,” replied brisbane. “but it sure keeps mccay on his toes.” —bits & pieces

rd issue: jan 1979

rel8d: 100 of the best quotes from famous pplz

in a bind

a man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “how long ‘ve you been wearing that bra?”

the friend replies, “ever since my wife found it inna g♥ comptment.”

rd issue: oct 2013

tusk, tusk

“i wish i had enough mny to buy an elephant.”

“wha’ on earth do you need an elephant for?”

“i don’t. i just need the mny.”

—sam levenson

rd issue: jan 1951

practicing her backhand

while i was making farewell visits b4 movin to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor ‘d not be as good as i had been.

“nonsense,” i replied, flattered.

“no, really,” she insisted. “i’ve lived here under 5 ≠ ministers, and each new one s'been worse than the last.”

—rev. eric davis

rd issue: jan 1979

birthdy boy

i was administering an achievement test to david, a precocious 6-yr-old, and i began by asking him when his birthdy was.

“feb 20,” was his quick response.

nxt i asked him, “wha’ yr, david?”

he looked at me quizzically at 1st and then hit upon the obvious answer. “every yr,” he said.

—jerry mintz

rd issue: jan 1979

all the way with lbj

“i ‘ve learned that 1-ly two things are necessary to keep one’s wife ☺. 1st, let her think she’s having her way. 2nd, let her ‘ve it.” —lyndon b. johnson, the new york times

rd issue: jul 1970

l8 notice

phoning a patient, the dr says, “i ‘ve some bad news and some worse news. the bad news s'dat you ‘ve 1-ly 24 hrs left to live.”

“that is bad news,” the patient replies. “wha’ ‘d be worse?”

the dr answers, “i’ve been trying to reach you since yesterdy.”

rd issue: nov 2000

dressed to kill

one mid-oct evening, i answered a knock onna door. there in front of me was a boy wearing a dracula mask.

“trick or treat!” he yelled.

“neat costume,” i said. “but halloeen’s not for another two weeks.”

“i know,” he said. “but i’m away then.”

—jim robertson

rd issue: oct 2008

legal eagle

a police officer arrives atta scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. the officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “ru seriously hurt?”

“how ‘d i know?” the driver responds. “i’m not a lawyer!”

—michael knigge

rd issue: oct 2008

gone fishin’

give a man a fish and he will eat for a dy. teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all dy.

rd issue: oct 2008

ripe rejoinder

the young father took a seat onna bus nxt to an elderly man and plopped his one-yr-old on his lap, just as the lil boy began to cry and fidget.

“that child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked.

“no,” said the dad. “they all smell this way.”

—robert howe

rd issue: dec 2012

caught inna web

i was visiting my son the other nite when i asked if i ‘d borrow a newspaper.

“dad, this tis 21st century,” he said. “i don’t waste my mny on newspapers. but if you like, you can borrow my ipad.”

i can tell you this: that spider never knew wha’ hit him.

—adam joshua smargon

rd issue: dec 2012

rel8d: 101 dad jokes tha're actually pretty funny

last laugh

“1st, the dr told me the good news. he said that i was goin to ‘ve a disease named after me.” —steve martin

rd issue: may 2015

holy deduction

“hello, reverend smith? this tis internal revenue srvc. is samuel jones a member of yr congregation?”

“he is.”

“did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“he will.”

—hugh neeld

rd issue: oct 2008

foregone conclusion

one sun, a minister played hooky from church so he ‘d shoot a round of golf. st. peter, looking down from heaven, seethed. “you’re goin to let him get away with this, god?”

the lord shook his head.

the minister took his 1st shot. the ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped inna'da cup for a hole in one. st. peter was outraged. “i thought you were goin to punish him!”

the lord shrugged. “who’s he goin to tell?”

rd issue: jan 2008

talk of the town

i’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the dr’s. but when i arrived at her house, i found her gossiping away witha neighbor.

“mom, we’ve gotta go,” i interjected, but she ‘dn’t hear me ‘oer the chatter. “mom!” i repeated as i pulled her away.

“sorry, but i didn’t know wha’ to do,” she said, gettin inna'da car. “that woman ‘dn’t stop listening to me.”

—christine chapman

rd issue: jan 2008

just wandaing

if dracula can’t see his cogitateion inna mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? —steven write

rd issue: jan 2008

not reassuring

i was already a nervous wreck bout my upcoming surgery. it didn’t help matters when the admitting nurse absent-Ψedly asked me, “’ve you had a hysterectomy b4?” —terry wisener

rd issue: jan 2007

gray matter

a brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “i’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“sorry, but i can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “you’re out of yr head.”

rd issue: jan 2007

kitchen confidential

i hang onna my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. i thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. but'a other morning, i saw a note posted in front of my 15-yr-old coffeemaker: “jurassic perk.” —bill schmitt

rd issue: may 2002

man up!

3 rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

1-odda bikers extinguishes his cigarette inna old guy’s pancakes. the 2nd biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. the third biker dumps the whole pl8 onto the floor.

without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and cutouts.

“not much offa man, was he?” says 1-odda bikers.

“not much offa driver, either,” says the w8ress. “he just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles.”

rd issue: apr 2008

w8y matter

“i went to the 30th re∪ of my preschool. i didn’t wanna go, cause i’ve put on, like, a hundred pounds.” —wendy leibman

rd issue: apr 2008

rel8d: the best 100 funny movies of all time

strikeout

two old friends, ned and john, lived for baseball. then one dy, john died, leaving ned inconsolable. a few weeks l8r, ned heard some1 calling his name. he looked up. standing na' cloud was his old pal.

“ned,” john called down, “i ‘ve good news and bad. the good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“gr8,” said ned. “wha’’s the bad news?”

“you’re pitching sun.”

—earl fincher

rd issue: apr 2019

shifting priorities

as the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “my porsche! my presh silver porsche is ruined!” he screams.

a police officer onna scene shakes his head in disgust. “i can’t believe you,” he says. “you’re so focused on yr possessions that you didn’t even realize yr left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

the hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “oh, no!” he cries. “my rolex!”

rd issue: feb 2018

bite size

several weeks ago, coming home from work na' crowded bus, i stood nxt to a woman and her lil son. i asked if she wasn’t afraid the lil boy ‘d be crushed. “not at all,” she answered. “he bites.” —mrs. phil t. lewis

rd issue: feb 1951

fig of speech

after writing a speech for class, my daughter asked for input. i listened to her talk bout sxually transmitted diseases, then gave my opinion.

“it’s gr8,” i said. “there’s one sentence in pticular that i like.”

“which one?” she asked.

“the one where you write, ‘the 1-ly way other than abstinence to be sure that you will not contract an std is to remain in a monotonous relationship.’”

—kelli g.

rd issue: jan 2007

mixed signals

few pplz know wha’ a quartermaster does. so during my aircraft carrier’s family dy, i demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—i grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat.

when finished, i pointed to a lil girl in front and asked, “now do you know wha’ i do?”

“yes,” she said. “you’re a cheerleader.”

—danny sullivan

rd issue: jan 2007

landing gear

the topic of the dy at army airborne school was wha’ you ‘d do if yr parachute malfunctions. we had just gotten to the pt bout reserve parachutes when another student rezd his hand.

“if the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we ‘ve to deploy the reserve?”

looking the trooper □ inna face, the instructor replied, “the rest of yr life.”

—kenneth rauens

rd issue: jan 2007

career move

witha pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a nd'2 pick some1 quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“throw away 250 resumes?” i asked, shocked. “wha’ if the best candidates are in there?”

“you ‘ve a point,” he said. “but then again, i don’t need pplz with bad ♣ round here.”

—becky horowitz

rd issue: jan 2007

no honeymoon?

the english language often got the better of my german grandfather, a pastor. during one srvc, he anncd that two members of his flock were gettin married.

“you’re all invited to the wedding,” he told the congregation. “nolso to the parish hall afterward for the conception.”

—jerome lossner

rd issue: jan 2007

dr, dr

randy pausch is a renowned computer sci professor, b'that didn’t carry much w8 w'his mother. after he got his phd, she introduced him to friends by saying, “this is my son. he’s a dr, but not the kind who helps pplz.”

rd issue: jan 2008

cracking up

scene: a morning with my 6-yr-old granddaughter, emma.

me: ‘d you like bacon and eggs for breakfast?

emma: i 1-ly like eggs when they’re mixed with something.

me: like omelets?

emma: no, like brownies.

—elizabeth cooper

rd issue: jun 2021

motherly ♥

bout a week after my son left for boot training, i happened to go into his room for an afternoon nap. his bed was still warm and cozy, and i seemed to feel his presence. i wrote and told him that either my Ψ was playing tricks on me or some supernatural phenomenon had comforted me.

i was still trying to fig out the “miraculous” warmth when his reply came. “sorry, mother, i forgot. turn off my electric blanket.”

—mrs. george l. hicks

rd issue: mar 1961

picture this

mr. and mrs. shaw were on safari in africa, walking through the jungle. suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized mrs. shaw, dragging her off.

“shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “shoot!”

“i can’t!” he lash outed back. “i’ve run out of film!”

1,000 + jokes for kids

rd issue: feb 1990

zen koans for the internet age

  • if an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
  • wha’ tis sound of no hands texting?
  • if nobody likes yr selfie, wha’ tis val of the self?
  • to see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

—brandon specktor

rd issue: apr 2015

marriage go-round

after finishing our chinese food, my husband and i cracked open our fortune cookies.

mine read, “be quiet for a lil while.”

his read, “talk while you ‘ve a chance.”

—carol burks

rd issue: apr 2015

amount due

a last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. just as he did, a peal of laughter ‘d be heard in another room.

glaring at me, he grumbled, “wha’ are they doin’ back there, counting the mny?”

—william umberson

rd issue: apr 2015

file under “oops”

from an article bout a hotel renovation inna reno gazette-journal: “the downstairs, which ll'be connected to the upstairs by a spiral staircase, will ‘ve + meeting space + food and beverage fatalities.” —r.e. gillett

rd issue: may 2011

doggone!

atta bnk where i am a teller, a couple with 3 large dogs in their minivan pulled up to my drive-in window. when the man handed me his deposit slip, the dogs began to climb over him. pushing them aside, he looked at me sheepishly. “they think we’re at mcdonald’s,” he said. —lissa snyder

rd issue: feb 1997

batter up!

boy’s definition offa waffle: “a pancake witha nonskid tread.” —american boy

rd issue: sep 1931

pennies from heaven

pastor: “good morning, may. i hear god has seen fit to sen'tcha lil twin bros.”

lil may: “yes sir, and he knows where the mny’s coming from, too. i heard my daddy say so.”

national farm journal

rd issue: oct 1931

school daze

emily had been to school for the 1st time. when asked wha’ she had learned, she sighed, hopelessly. “nuffin’. i’ve gotta go back 2morro.” —christian beholdr

rd issue: sep 1931

kid’s logic

a stanford university professor took his young son with him na' trip across the country. one dy after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. surprised, his mother asked how he came to ‘ve that much mny.

“well,” he said, “dad was awfully careless with mny on our trip and nearly always left some onna table whn'we ate. so i just picked it up.”

—d. elton trueblood

rd issue: jan 1950

rel8d: 100 short jokes for kids tha're easy to remember

new england brevity

the editor offa vermont weekly sent to one hiram sparks a notice that his subscription had expired. the notice came back w'da laconic scrawl: “so’s hiram.” —theodore rubin

rd issue: feb 1945

ouch!

“i don’t think i look 30, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“no, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “but you used to.”

alabama courier

rd issue: dec 1941

listen here

“course i ‘dn’t say anything bout her unless i ‘d say something good. and, oh boy, is this good…” —bill king, collier’s

rd issue: dec 1941

onna fly

visitor to the war deptment: “i ‘ve crossed a homing pigeon witha woodpecker. it not 1-ly delivers the message, it also knocks onna door.” —click

rd issue: nov 1941

blah blah blah

“when she talks it isn’t conversation—it’s a filibuster.” —eric a. enstrom

rd issue: may 1941

funny farm

a traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnite at a farmhouse. inna morning, he looked out na' flood coursing through the front yard. he beheld pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past w'da current. then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house! then he saw it go down again. pretty soon it came back upstream—and by now the salesman wandaed if he had gone crazy. finally he called the farmer’s daughter.

“oh,” she said, after a glance out the window, “that must be grandpa. he said yesterdy that in spite of hell or high wata he was goin to mow the yard tody.”

—marguerite coyle

rd issue: may 1941

alcohol-free zone

comedian w.c. fields, describing a town that ran out of whiskey: “we lived for dys on nothing but food and wata.” —pm newspaper

rd issue: nov 1941

out of site

at a long island house pty, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him onna sound. after an hr without any ♣, he asked, “do you think we ought to try chumming?”

his companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house onna distant shore, then replied, “we mite swell. they can’t see us from there.”

—john c. miller

rd issue: jul 1957

case history

a young mother paying a visit to her dr in providence, rhode island, made no attempt to restrain her 5­-yr-­old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. but finally an extra-­loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “i hope, dr, you don’t Ψ billy bein’ in yr examining room.”

“no,” said the dr calmly. “he’ll be quiet in a moment when he gets to the poisons.”

—edith c. rock

rd issue: dec 1957

campaign platform

probably the reason many a politician stands on his record is to keep voters from examining it. —cy n. peace

rd issue: aug 1956

ft in mouth

the sailor and his girl had been having a disagreement; she was crying and he was trying to comfort her. as i got closer i heard him say, “honest, honey, you gotta believe me—i ain’t got a sweet♥ in ev’ry port!”

as i moved on i heard his closing argument: “i ain’t been in ev’ry port!”

—roy l. nicholson

rd issue: jul 1954

on order

when my teenage son worked pt time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. but there were 1-ly two hooks left inna gold color that he needed.

my son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “’d you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

the customer scrutinized him and said, “you’re not married, ru?”

—nancy guerico

rd issue: jan 1995

diet tribe

dad ♥s to eat and does so with gusto—to the sufferation of my mother, who worries bout his w8. one evening dad was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. as he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked mom if she wanted to save the jar.

“no, it’s okay,” mom replied. “go ahead and eat it.”

—v.a. kelly

rd issue: may 1989

snail’s pace

a turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. when the police show up, they ask him wha’ happened. the shaken turtle replies, “i don’t know. it all happened so fast.” —debby carter

rd issue: jun 2009 

nxt, check out another 100 things turning 100 in 2022.

additional research by lucie turkel and greg daugherty.

originally published: jan 07, 2022

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authors: linda roman

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