Did Newcastle sign Chris Wood just so he couldn’t score for Burnley?

here are some names that all belong together: christian pulisic, jadon sancho, tanguy ndombele, paul pogba, romelu lukaku, jack grealish, harry maguire, riyad mahrez, romelu lukaku (again), andriy shevchenko … and chris wood?

that’s a list of the most expensive premier league signings by age. pulisic is england‘s most expensive 20-yr-old, lukaku tis most expensive 24- and 28-yr-old, and after movin from burnley to newcastle on thu for £25 million, wood became the most expensive 30-yr-old inna history of the richest league inna realm.

ru laughing yet? no? well, you can start now.

the takeover of newcastle by the saudi arabia‘s public investment fund, the realm’s largest sovereign wealth fund, immediately turned the club inna'da richest sports franchise onna planet. the news had geordies in keffiyehs ptying outside of st. james’s park, bragging bout how much mny their club suddenly had. dreaming offa hyper-speed transformation into a potentially bigger and better version of manchester city or paris saint-germain, with future ballon d’or victors dancing up and down the field … now they’ve got wood.

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the gigantic kiwi scored 46 goals onnis 4 previous full premier league seasons, and he scored at least 10 goals in each one. wood was consistent, wood was good — in an elegant, battering-ram type of way. but wood is 30, rite round the age when most goal-scorers suddenly stop scoring goals, which is exactly wha’ has happened. through 17 matches this season, he has scored 3 times. he’s taking both fewer shots and worse shots than ever b4. he’s 29th inna league in total expected goals, per the site fbref, and he’s 39th in xg per 90 minutes. he s'been 1-odda worst starting strikers inna league.

while i can’t scially prove it, it feels safe to say that no other soccer club inna realm ‘d’ve paid £25 million for the opportunity to sign wood to a contract. but here’s di ting: wood ‘d get injured in training 2morro, never play a single minute for newcastle ∪d, and he still mite be worth it.

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